Saturday, 31 October 2015

Digital Tatoo and Indian Japanese girl. <予知夢>デジタル刺青とインド系日本人の女性  20150624 23night  in English and 日本語

In a grey sky. I was in a town. Town looks like Japan, perhaps in Suginami-ku, near Kugayama station in Japan. Hilly. And each hill there are rows of houses. I may came by bus or bicycle. To visit or see the flat. Stairs just after main door, and entrance hall, there are some shoes cupboard and bicycles. And stairs again, on the left there is a room. I think I stayed there. It was after mid night. Sleepy. It was maybe yellow… the wall, I felt someone was coming down. I may have to explain who I am. I went down and talked to Indian Japanese girl, who seems to be my friend N(Indian girl), M.M(Japanese Haiawan girl) or N.Y (Japanese  French? I’ve forgotten). She was an attractive girl. She looked more Japanese than Indian. She showed me her photo album. There are probably 16 or 8 portraits of her on the open pages. Different faces and different ages. Most of them looked very south (?) Indian face, thick eye blow a bit of hair under nose. Two, three looked oriental, flat face looked familiar and they look younger than other faces.. I can feel 70’s portrait.. looked very old and Indian style I felt. Oh and very spookily, her dad’s face was flat and big. Like he was wearing mask or something. Strangely decorated and big and flat. But real.

Probably the same flat. But I was in high place. L shape room. And at the depth, my brother was there. My brother was excited about something. And I realized that he doesn’t make any sense, he is behaving strangely.  I said to him he has to sleep. I put all the books away and calm him down and make him sleep. I hold him and put the duvet on him. I realized that I have to give love sometimes.
 I had to go down the trees from the room. Part of the wall had no wall(suddenly) then I, the girl, also 2,3 other female friends, her friends or flat-mates. She told me find the oily(shiny) branch to step on. She kept saying I am armature. I managed to land on the ground. As soon as turned my face back, she was about landing the ground. She was like “See, you need more experience.”

Scene changed. I was looking for flat and owner was showing the huge room. I was so happy that it is so big. I can dance, doing marshal arts, painting or music.  There were several rooms. The ceiling of one of the room had hollow. I asked how much it is. The owner or agency guy was showing me a strange place, as this is already mine. I went upstairs, that was empty library. I realized this is part of community centre. Came out the rooms and I found one door and big fridge, I realized that this is a studio flat. And I thought maybe some people rent this and put many tenants to make a person’s rent cheap.  
I was in a clean big main entrance. I came out the glass door. There was a guy outside, and I talked. And my friend(female friend?) was talking to other person beside me, perhaps she was a woman. He said to me that he is psychologist or studying psychology. I said oh yes? I am reading Jung now. He started talking about one theory. The image suddenly pop into my head. He was talking about cult. On the image there is a triangle shaped building. It seems that is centre of cult. And around there was horrible town,  it looked only like ruin, I think that is representation of the city which has been collapsed. As more collapsed the city, the building becoming taller and bigger.  What is this metaphor?
Then I realized that he has got a tattoo. On the face. 3,4 lines horizontally, but interestingly it moves from left to right or right to left. It was words.. or illegible words. Looks like digital light.

灰色の空。僕は町にいる。日本のような、たぶん杉並区の久我山駅近く。丘だらけで、同じレベルの地には家が並んでいる。バスか自転車でこのエリアにやってきた。部屋を探しにもしくは友達を訪ねに。玄関のあとにはすぐに階段が。階段のあとには小さな踊り場があって、そこには自転車と靴箱がある。そこからまた左側に狭い階段があり(階段の両側は壁)2階、3階へとまっすぐ続いている。2階(?)にぼくはとどまる。もう真夜中をすぎていた。3階から誰かやってくるが僕はびくついている。女の人だった。踊り場にもどる。インド系のイギリス人の女の子(この子はたぶん友達のインド人N、か日本系ハワイ人M.Mか日本系フランス人?N.Yだ)が自分の過去のポートレイトを見せてくれた。写真はアルバムにいれてあり。開いたら16枚か8枚になる様々なときの写真がならぶ。どれも別人のようだった。インド人っぽい、奥深く眉毛が濃くて、鼻の下の産毛がある女の子、もっと若い感じの女の子は東洋的な顔をしていた。 恐い写真もあり、それは彼女のお父さん。顔は大きく、フラットであった。顔にはみえないでなにかの抽象画のようだった。いかにもインドのような背景で、70年代の写真のようだった。

 ある瞬間反対側のL字の奥階段があるほうの壁が消える。木の枝がそこまで繋がっていた。どうやら僕らはそこからおりないといけないようだ。先ほどの女性と、2,3人彼女か僕の女性友達。 ぼくが最初におりるが、とてもうまくいかない。脂っこい(つるつるした)枝を捜せばいいといわれ、そこに足をつける。どう考えても無理とおもったが、いつのまにかぼくは降りていた。体を振り向かせるとすでに女の子は地面に足をつけようとしていた。「慣れが必要ね」といわれる。 空中で回転をみせるイメージが浮かび、それをやるように降りないといけないといわれる。

 彼の顔を見ると文字のようなものが顔に3,4つ水平に動いているのがみえる。デジタルの光だと思うが。刺青のようだった。Marshal artist.

Actually happened
On the next day 2015/06/24
Around 17pm on the 254 bus near Finsbury Park station.
I saw exactly the same thick eye blow girl on the bus, she was looking back and forward. She was like 12 year old and with her mum. Mum didn’t look like her at all. Then they got off at the station. I realized that there was another little girl. Older sister was keep talking in a strange language (didn’t sound like Indian language) to younger one. That younger little girl looked oriental and very similar to what I’ve seen.

夢をみた次の日 20150624
夢の写真と全く同じ顔の12歳くらいの女性がバスに乗っていた。眉毛が濃く、ひげがあって、奥深い。インド語とはおもえないことばで何か大きな声でしゃべっている。母親もいたが似ていなかった。彼らが外に出ると。小さい妹がいることに気付く。彼女はまた写真の女の子と似ていた。 東洋人のような顔だった。

Vipassana Meditation Experience/Feedback ヴィパッサーナ瞑想 体験談/感想 In English / In Japanese日本語

The reasons I decided to go to Vipassana Meditation are following

-       I feel that I’ve becoming deep minded, but I still feel something is lacking. I need to be higher level to achieve my goal.
-       I still have fear. Although I got rid of most of anger, I have nightmares most of days and dark fear comes to me every morning, wanted to get rid of or control.
-       Many friends have recommended to me and one of my best friend want to go with me.
-       Never done meditation. I don’t have time to go to temple to do training in Japan( I thought that would make more sense for me as I am from Japan).
-       The fact that this meditation was developed by Buddha
-       To find similar minded people although they said this course is not for socializing.

I will skip the details of teaching as you can find on the internet easily.

Day 0
Went to Gloucester from London by bus. The city wasn’t so interesting. ( I didn’t know but there was a beautiful Cathedral there and I missed..) From Gloucester to Vipassana Meditation centre, there is a coach from the station. At the station more than 30 people were waiting for the bus. I thought these people may go to the centre. I felt a bit weird, I thought the bus is taking to some kinds of cult place.

Got on the coach. The lady sitting next to me was afraid of the course. Some others said the same, I didn’t know what to afraid of. If everyone is afraid of it, we do not need to feel fear as we are the only people who are going to the course, no one will bite each other if we are all frightened.

Arrived the place. During the registration, we stayed in the dining room. An English guy from Bristol was talking to me, he was familiar for me as he looked like my Italian friend. In fact I didn’t feel he is English at all. I talked to 2 others with him at the table. In 2 hours we were not supposed to talk or communicate. Interestingly all these people apart from me who were on this table left the course in early stage(3-4 days later).

First night, I had a night mare. Many men (women,too?) come to my bed and took my soul out. From my chest part. Terrible feeling. Felt everyone was attacking me. Felt a lot of negative energy that night.

Day 1
During the meditation of 4:30-6:30am in the meditation hall. There wasn’t any actual teaching so I was just copied what other people do, sitting. I heard beautiful sounds from the ceiling, I thought it was heater, but later I found that was raining sound hitting on the roof. Bell sound for time keeping was also interesting, reminds me my past in Japan or being in India.
 At Lunch time, I asked a question to the teacher, what do I have to think or what I should not to think. Of course he said in meditation, you are not supposed to think ideas etc.
Wanted to stop doing this course already. I thought it was not worth it. I felt like “what I am doing?”
This day I felt the longest. I had many discoveries. In the meditation, teacher asked us to focus just breathing and concentrating on only that. As I was practicing, I thought the material what we breathe in are like cubes, no shaped, then when we breathe out, materials become rounded. It is like all the energy is becoming neutral (one of the physics theory, everything is becoming neutral). So I felt that we also contribute make things less sharp.
I also found that the act of breathing is controlled by our autonomic nerves and sensory nerves. So I thought that may be the place where consciousness and unconsciousness meets together.
I felt light vibration from women side and heavy vibration from men side.

Day 2
Thought I’m becoming not a MAN, but I didn’t find I am a woman. Strange feeling. Although I was surrounded by men, good that there is no bulling to me. Silent bulling.
No way to attack me physically here.
 Only few things to do in a day, so I could concentrate on taking care of my body, stretching, walking and thinking.

Day 3
Found my friend on female side. In the dining room, Bristol guy was laughing. Sometimes I see people laughing by themselves.

I managed to see a dream in conscious during the meditation. (Perhaps someone’s dream? Later I heard that it is not healthy to meditate with a group as you take bad energy from others).
In the conscious dream, I see loads of pebbles and the water was coming out in the middle, becoming a pond. Bigger and smaller, bigger and smaller. The place was exactly in front of the building where I was staying, they were under the construction and it was square. Also animated sheep. … small sheep. Many of them. Near the wooden fence.   
That day, when the discourse(video tutoring) finished I found some students bowing to the Video.

Day 4
Nice to walk the walking area in the early morning, little field, I can see the black trees on the edge of the dark sky. No one was around. Reminds me some European noble or a scene of the film. Windy and cold.
Start feeling the sensation clearly in the meditation (We had been training to feel the subtle sensation on the body).
Found there was a big bathroom and toilet in my building, so I took shower during the tea time as I decided not to eat after 12pm. Put my feet in the hot water to make myself warm.
 Meditation getting harder. The teacher ask us not to move at all for one hour, irritated a lot. Luckily we don’t have to do zazen (cross-legged position).  Start feeling that I was not sure I can recommend this course to friends or not.

Day 5  2015/2/2
Only two men came to the 4:30am meditation. Many women came to the group meditations. Seems female students are more serious? Or they have serious reason to come to this course?
 Bristol guy sat on the same table at the breakfast. He was smiling again a bit as he knows I am in front of him. I tried not to see him not to disturb his practice. Then he came and asked me my email, mobile in his hand. Course manager told us not to speak each other. Then we went to his room. I asked him. “What happened?” he said “I’m leaving. This is not for me. I don’t want to influence you” “why are you going?” I asked “Lots of reason, but I’ve learned a lot. How is going for you?” “Yeah. OK”.I gave him my card. Then I left his room.  I understood how he felt. He said he can’t stand singing and also religious thing.

 I start feeling odd being here, but I also try to think this is quite interesting experience as we have to be silent for 9 days and living together.
 9pm, I start feeling it is ok to recommend this course to others. After listening to Goenka’s word and his joke. We started to practice feeling the sensation from head to toe, toe to head.
Dreamed about killer (white guy?) In the big stadium, 5 women including black and white were naked and they have to do a group sex slave for the killer. There was a lady ( maybe me ) have to obey his order and control these women. One get shot by the killer as he wanted to show off his power. He left with girls somewhere. All I see at the end was the beautiful blue sky.

Day 6
 I saw a beautiful robin near the teacher’s house. The robin was looking for food. He came to 10 cm close to my feet. I said in my mind “I will bring some tomorrow, so see you here tomorrow” He flew away as he heard my voice.

I could sit without moving for an hour with the same posture during the meditation.

Dreamed about a girl (who I KNOW) she had a short hair, she was wearing black coat and underneath only black underwear with garter(net). Her breast was not on the bra, so almost naked. She thought it is ok to go out like this and keep smiling or laughing in a strange way. Later she became fatter and fatter. Her legs were becoming shorter and shorter.

Day 7
Strange water stain on my bed when I came back. About 5sqcm.
Beautiful full moon. Funny many men standing on the hill looking at the nature. I found it is quite feminine. We didn’t have anything to do, but walking or lying on the bed during the resting hour.

Being able to sit without soft cushion. Anxiety came back a little. Pain on chest. I asked teacher about something I don’t remember, but he said “We have not discovered which sensation means what sort of mental problem or thought we have”
Dreamed about a boy. About 8-10 year old boy. I saw him on the road in Japan. I asked him where his parents are. He said his parents has died. I asked him where he stays. He said he sleeps in the train. I felt sorry for him so I asked him his grand parents. He told me he was going to see them now. So somehow I took him in my arm and I went their parents house. Japanese traditional flat. Tatami was on the floor. The room was tilted. Huge. His grand parents were there, sitting on the floor. I said “This house is so cold, and it seems you are wasting the space, why don’t you sell or build a mansion to make some money. They said they were going to do it. It was in the night.
I had to stay there. In a daytime. The guy came, looks like fishmonger. He asked me a fish, so I found a fish in the house and gave him.

Later that café became the concert hall. And I wanted to talk to the Japanese pianist but because of my parents having trouble or talking something, I was distracted and that man talked with two European girls behind us, I thought he got bored with us and he went to talk with his friends. I was disappointed, but then I realized he was next to me and that men behind us was his brother. I realized that the concert stage was behind us. And so high place and we have to see straight up. Then our place moved to the right instead of left. 5-7men playing classic or jazz music. Most of the were black. And playing with very interesting shape, but they look like cello or bass. My mum or someone said “Period instrument has beautiful sound than instruments now”

A man dropped his bow and an audience put the bow on the edge of the seat as he knows that the player will not be happy. The player asked and smiled at him asking him to pass it to him.
Then one black musician fell down from the stage. It is about 7m high. He did it to show off or wanted to show his anger or something, but he fell in a wrong way, his straight up posture fell and fell, hit his head on the edge of the seat. There was a path way in between there to our seats. My mum tried to wake him up then, two staff of the concert hall came and rescue him.
 Different scene. Opened air, tall buildings but wall less,they are surrounded. My dad was building the house. 4 pillars… 4 corners pillar filled with plaster, wood or other materials. He said he made a mistake, as he always say. I asked him for help, he said no need to.

Dreamed about Italy. I was with my parents. Met a Japanese pianist I was looking for( I met long time ago). He said his name clearly but I don’t remember his name now. He took us to the city in Italy. Maybe Verona, Perugia or Firenze. It seems it was becoming Firenze because when he took to a café or restaurant, I said “ I knew this place” although I don’t find I’ve been there. I see the café terrace, and there a 5-7tables, posh and looks like balcony, after the fence, I can see the beautiful city with sea side or lake.
 Very hot, sunny day…

Day 10
I was feeling “how nice no one talks me, brilliant” but from 8am we start talking suddenly… I was thinking “oh again.. then people start talking nonsense…”
After we started talking, some students told me that I was good inspiration or example as I was sitting still with upright position, that comment made me happy.


I realized that I have been doing meditation unconsciously as I do creative works. Meditation can be good for some people. People who cannot control their negativity, but if this becomes addictive, it is not a good solution. If you have to do two hours every day which teacher ask us to do, that is too much of work. And which means without doing this constantly our anger and negativity start agitating? Goenka did not tell us the logic behind. My anger, had almost gone, without meditation before I went there..

I was very hysterical and short temper before. I got this from my genes and environment. To overcome this problem, I’ve been trying to deal with many experiences like being hospital, betrayal, falling down to the depth of mind with someone I loved who have full of negative energy, live with full of agony people, having an accident and so on. I was in the bottom of Deep Ocean. I am sure many people have experience that, but I dive into it in the depth of darkness. I learned a lot from it. I came out slowly from the dark and I know what is wrong and right logically. My mind and soul have become much stronger. I’ve gained the technique to purify the negativity. I believe this is more natural way and can be much stronger person.

 For me, meditation is like a medicine for mental disease (for now as I only know this meditation and according to how Goenka describes, Vipassana meditation can be used in healthy way I guess).  If you have to do 2 hours of meditation every day, then if you stop doing it, you will be evil again? That is like put the lid on the smelly pod.
 I also could not trust Goenka fully. I am sure he is a good man, but I don’t feel he is 100% trust worthy. I just feel from my instinct.

I am a Buddhist. Naturally Japanese become Buddhist or Shintoism believer. As they are so merged into our culture, but we don’t worship Buddha or any gods. We just follow their philosophies and spirituality from Shintoism or Buddhism. So I like Buddha’s idea and philosophy, but this Vipassana centre, they say it is nothing to do with religion although the meditation is developed by Buddha. So why did Goenka talk a lot of Buddhism idea. I felt very weird. For me it would make more sense to do it in Buddhism temple, come to be trained by Monk. So I can respect many rules, but that doesn’t mean I am worshipping them. Well, Japanese temple is maybe different from other temples. We just simply respect monk or religious object but that doesn’t mean we become religious. It may be hard to understand to Western people, perhaps that is why Vipassana meditation become popular as they said welcome to any religion.

 Other thing I do not get is, Goenka said why do people leave in the middle of course, they don’t have patient and vipassana meditation is wonderful. It sounds like make us stay forcibly. Metta meditation is not working at all. He and teacher said on 8th day, tomorrow, we will be taught new technique… love and compassion or something… but that was just Goenka’s song. Singing about love.. compassion… then I started thinking the quality of this meditation and he might just wanted to show off his singing.  In Japan, we have sutra reading when someone died in Japan. Monk comes and sings. It is much more calm and flat so it sounds more relaxing. I remember that we all have to sit steady for an hour or so to listen to this… it was quite painful. This Goenka song reminded me my past, but still it is funny or.. no it is so melodical. If he was making us irritated for training… It make sense, but I don’t think this is necessary… keep it minimum. Another thing, some students were bowing to Goenka at the end. Well, they might not to Goenka but why do we have to bow to Video?  

I felt bad energy there, and from some staff or students. Surely mane people who suffer come to this course, but I found they are soulless and trapped by something. Although some people said this was life changing experience, and they don’t care anything about religious things. I worried too much about others and I expected too much. Also I was so serious… some people take this lightly so… it is fine I guess. It is just whole thing.. towards the end, I felt strange… Goenka keep talking in a peculiar ways in video and very emotionless teachers sitting still. And soul less students.

I wanted to get rid of my fear, but this was a bit too much to ask. I was expecting
I couldn’t find the solution by meditation. Thought teacher or Goenka was going to tell us something inspirational. As I am an artist, perhaps I do not need worry about having fear. Surely all the saint had a fear. I have a fear that human becomes no human like human who cannot feel, living in the fake world they create. I fear that I could not achieve to what I want to do before I die. Also I have a tremendous fear from dark side, very abstract fear and I do not know what it is, but this can be the energy for being positive for my creation I suppose.
I think 10 days silence is unusual experience for some people who work in the big company and always talking and listening realistic words, but for me it was not so unusual. At the end of the course, I worried about others, but they seem they didn’t take seriously, most of people took just beneficial side from it. This meditation can be good for people who really cannot control their feeling and observe the feeling and let it go.

From writing above, you may think I didn’t like at all, but I learned a lot. I became more concentrated, I felt I could focus my life more, felt the preciousness of the time, great that I could feel all the sensation on/in my body,  but I do not think this can be the solution for our lives. As I said this can be blind belief or temporary medicine.

>>below in Japanese translation / 日本語訳


-        人としてより深くなるために。自分のゴールに辿り着くにはより深い人間にならないと感じたため。
-       恐怖がいまだに取り除けない。怒りの感情は殆ど鎮圧されたが、朝悪夢に目覚め、虚無に襲われるときがある。恐怖を取り除くか、コントロールしたい
-       多くの友達が推薦したため、親友が一緒に行きたいと誘ってくれたため。
-       一度も瞑想をしたことがない。日本のお寺で修行をしたほうが日本人である僕には理に適っているかもしれないが、日本では時間がないため。
-       ブッダによって発達された瞑想法だときき興味がわいた
-       同じ思想の友人ができるかと思い。



グロウスター駅までバスでロンドンから行く。何もない街(後で知ったが、綺麗な大聖堂がある街。行きそびれた)。瞑想のセンターまで駅からバスがで ている。駅には多くの荷物を持った人たちが何かを待っている。この人たちがセンターに行くのだろうと思ったが、変な気持ちになった。バスはもしかしたら変 な新興宗教の場所につれていくのではないかと。

センターに着く。登録は食堂で行われた。ブリストルから来たイギリス人が話しかけてきた。イタリア人の友達に雰囲気が似ていたので親近感を 感じた。彼がイギリスだとはなぜか全然感じなかった。同じテーブルに座ったほかの二人とも話をした。2時間後僕らは一切しゃべってはいけなくなる。面白い ことにここに座った僕を抜かした全員が途中で脱落する。

 この日が一番長く感じる。たくさんの発見があった。先生ははじめに、呼吸に集中するように指示した。呼吸を集中していて思ったのが、僕らが吸い込 んでいるものは角ばった四角のようなもので、息を吐くたびにそれは丸くなっていく気がした。すべてのエネルギーが段々と中和されていく(物理の理論でこう いったものがある)。角をとる作業もぼくらは手伝っているのだなと思った。





 ブリストルからきた男が朝食で僕の前にすわった。彼は僕を察しているように笑みを浮かべてる。彼のトレーニングを妨げないように目を合わせないよ うにした。かれは僕のところにかけより、emailを教えてくれと携帯を隠しながら聞いてくる。コースマネージャーがやってきて、お互いでしゃべらないよ うに注意してきた。そのあと彼の部屋にいく。「どうしたの?」かれは「もう出ようと思ってる、僕には合わないみたいだ。君に影響を与えたくないからこれ以 上言わない。」「なんでここをでるんだい?」「理由は沢山ある、でも学んだよ、いろいろと、君はどうだい?」僕は「ああ、まあ問題ない」。ぼくは僕の名刺 をおいて彼の部屋をでた。彼がどんな気持ちかなんとなくわかった。彼は宗教的なところや歌を聞くのにうんざりしたと言っていた。

 白人の殺人鬼の夢をみた。とても大きなスタジアム。5人の黒人と白人のまざった裸の娼婦のような女性がグループセックスを殺人鬼に強要される。そ こに中年の女性がいて(たぶん自分自身)、彼女たちに命令して男の言いなりにさせなくてはいけなかった。その中の一人が殺人鬼に力を見せつけるために銃で 撃たれる。彼は残りの女性とどこかに消える。とてもきれいな青空だけが残り上を見上げる。



 女性(私が知っている)の夢をみる。彼女はショートカットだった。黒いコートをきてその下にはガーター付の上と下の黒の下着をつけ ていた。彼女の胸はブラからはみ出していて、垂れ下がっている。ほとんど裸だった。彼女は不思議な笑みを浮かべ笑い、まるでこれで問題がないかのように道 を歩く。彼女はみているうちに大きくなり、彼女の足はどんどん短くなっていった。


 小さな男の子の夢を見る。8-10歳くらいだろうか。日本の路地にいる。僕は彼にお父さんお母さんはどこにいるか聞いてみた。彼は「おとうさんお かあさんは死んだ」という。僕は「どこにすんでいるんだい?」と聞く。彼は「電車で寝てる」と淡々と答える。彼を気の毒に思い、祖父母はいるか尋ねた。今 から彼は祖父母に会いに行くということだった。なぜか、ぼくは彼をぼくの腕に収め、両親の家へとむかう。日本の古い家屋だ。地べたに座る。ここはすごく寒 いね、大きなスペースがあるから、もったいない。ここを売るか、それか大きなマンションでも立ててしまえば?という。祖父母はそのつもりだという。夜にな る。

 イタリアの夢を見た。僕は両親といた。前にあった、ずっとさがしていた日本人のピアニストに会った。彼は彼の名前をはっきりと夢で教えてくれた が、忘れてしまった。彼はぼくらをイタリアのある街につれていってくれた、たぶんヴェローナだろう、ペルージャかそれかフィレンツェか。どうやらその後 フィレンツェになっていった。なぜなら彼がレストランかカフェに連れて行ってくれた時に、ぼくは「この場所知ってるよ!」と声をあげたからだ。けれどもそ こに言った記憶など現実世界にはなかった。カフェテラスがあって、5,7このテーブルがでてる。バルコニーのようで、とても上品で、フェンスのむこうには 美しい街がみえる。右側の風景には海か湖のビーチがみえる。

その後、カフェはコンサートホールへと変化した。日本人ピアニストに話しかけようとしたが、両親がぼくをなんどもさえぎったり、なにか問題を抱えて いたので、話すことができなかった。男は僕らのうしろにいるヨーロッパ人の女性2人と話し始めた。僕らに飽きて彼の友達と話したくなったのかと思って、 がっかりする。ところが、後で気づくと、彼は僕の横にいて、後ろにいる男性は彼の兄弟だった。そしてステージは前ではなく後ろにあることに気付く。とても 高い場所にあるので、首を直角に曲げなくてはいけなかった。左にいたぼくらがなぜか右側に移動した(ステージに向かって)。5,6人がクラシックなのか ジャズなのか、音楽を奏でている。ほとんどの演奏者は黒人だった。彼らはとても奇妙でおもしろい古楽器のようなものを弾いていた。よくみると、チェロのよ うでベースのようにも見えた。「昔の古楽器はいまの楽器よりとてもいい音なのよ。」と母か誰かが言った。

そしてその後、その奏者がステージからまっさかさまに落ちる。大体7m位高いところから。彼は見せびらかしのためか、それともその怒りによってやっ たのかどちらかだった。しかし落ち方ぐぁるかった。彼はそのまま直進のまま人形のようにおちていき、椅子の端に思いっきりぶつかり動かなくなる。反対側の 席と僕らの席には通路があった。母親がそくざに立ち上がって彼を起こそうとした。2人のスタッフがレスキューに来る。
 別のシーンになる。とても開けた場所。高いビル。柱だけで壁がなかった。たくさんの同じようなビルに囲まれていた。色はさびた茶色だったような気 がする。僕の父は家を建ててた。そのビルをたててるようだった。4つの柱。4つの角に石膏を埋めていた。木かそれとも違う素材か。彼は間違いをしたといっ た。普段よく彼がいうように。そして僕は尋ねた、「手伝おうか?」 彼は「いや、大丈夫」



創造的な仕事をしている時点で自分は無意識に瞑想をしていることに気付いた。瞑想はひとによってはいいだろう、ネガティブな気持ちをコントロールで きなひとには。でもこれは中毒にもなると感じた。2時間も毎日しなくてはいけないと先生は言う。それだけのことをしなければ怒りを鎮められないとなると問 題だ。ゴエンカ氏はどんな理論があるか語っていなかった。そして僕の怒りはこのコースに来る前に、瞑想なしに沈めることができた。

僕はとてもヒステリックで怒りやすかった。たぶん遺伝子と環境によってだと思う。この問題に打ち勝つためにいろいろな経験に直面していった。入院し ていたとき、ネガティブなエネルギーを持つ人に恋して、そして一緒におちていくとき、怒りに満ちた人と家をシェアしたとき、事故。深い海の底にいた。皆が 経験するようなこと。だけど僕は深くさらに深く闇のなかへ泳いで行った。そこからいろいろなものを学んだ。ゆっくりとそこから這い上がり、論理的にも何が 正悪かわかるようになった。精神と魂がより強くなった気がした。 ネガティブなものを浄化するテクニックを手に入れた。この方法の方がずっと自然だし、人 間としてもっと強くなれると思う。
  瞑想はある意味、精神患者への薬のような気がした(とりあえず今の段階では、こういう見解をもつ。ゴエンカ氏が話したことから考えた上で。もち ろんヴィッパサーナ瞑想がある人には健康に役に立つとも信じている)。毎日2時間も瞑想をしなくては怒りがおさまらないとなると問題である。まるで臭いも のに蓋だと思った。

 僕は仏教徒だ。日本人は自然と神道/仏教徒となる。 文化自体にこの二つの考えが深く浸透しているからだ。けれどブッダや神に特別な信仰をしてい るわけではない。彼らの考えや哲学を尊重するだけだ。ブッダのアイデアや哲学は好きだ。ブッダによって開発された瞑想であるこのヴィッパサーナではある が、彼らは宗教とは何の関係もないという。ならばなぜ、ゴエンカ氏は仏教の教えを説くのか?とても奇妙に感じた。仏教をかたるなら、お寺で僧に教わる方が よっぽどしっくりくる。そうとなれば、ここにあるルールを厳粛にまもられる環境になると思う。でもお寺でやることは決して神仏を信じるということではな い。日本のお寺はほかの地域のお寺とは違うかもしれない。神聖な場所やものを尊重はするがだからといって神仏を信じていることと直結しない。たぶんこれは 西洋の人には理解しがたいかもしれない。たぶんそういったことがあるからこの瞑想が有名になったのだろう。

他に気になることと言えば、ゴエンカ氏は途中でコースをやめる人を悪くっていること。メッタ瞑想をあしたおこなうといって、素晴らしい瞑想方法とき いていたが、ただゴエンカ氏がこれをしよう、するべき、など歌を歌っているだけだった。日本ではお経がある。それもお坊さんが唱えるわけだが、もっと静か で落ち着くものだ。小さいころ正座をして長い間聞かなくてはいけないのは苦痛であったが、今回の歌はとてもリラックスできるものとは言えなかった。修行す るのに妨げるようなリズムが含まれている気がした。あとはゴエンカ氏が語るビデオに対してお辞儀をする生徒がいた。

そしてそこにいた雰囲気、生徒やスタッフから悪いものを感じた。もちろん何か迷いや悩みがあってここに来た人が多いだろう。けれど彼らの目を見ると うつろで、なにかに捕らわれたように見えた。その中にも、今回の経験は人生を変えた、宗教的なところはどうでもいいと。人によってはあまり深刻に考えてい なかった。すこし、最後になってなにか嫌なものを感じたというのが感想だ。奇妙な環境、つまりゴエンカ氏が不思議なリズムでビデオの中で語り、情熱がうか がえない先生が身動きせず僕らをみつめ、感情がなさそうな生徒が周りにいた、ということ。

瞑想によって解決法は見いだせなかった。先生かゴエンカ氏がなにか偉大な言葉を告げてくれると予想していた。クリエイターである自分が恐怖をつねに 背負う事に対して、問題だと思う必要はないかもしれない。聖人でも持っているものだろう。人間が人間でなくなることの恐怖、自分が目的に達しないまま死ん でしまうかもしれない恐怖、説明のできない虚無がやってくる恐怖。けれどこの恐怖がポジティブなエネルギーとなり創作に役立つと信じている。

 10日間だれともコミュニケーションをとらないというのは毎日会社に通い、同じことを繰り返し、現実的な言葉を交わしている人には非日常的な経験 だと思う。ただ僕にはとくに非日常とは感じなかった。他の生徒たちを心配に思ったが、とくにみんな真剣に感じてはいなかった。良い部分だけ取り入れている ようだった。感情をほんとうに抑えられないひとたちには、自分自身をみつめるいい機会ではあると思った。

上の文章を読んだ限り、僕は気に入らなかったかと思うかもしれないが、実際にはいろいろと学べた。集中力がついた、人生のフォーカスが明確になっ た、時間の大切さを感じた。感覚を細部にわたって感じることができるようになった。けれどこれが人生の解決になったわけではなかった。この瞑想でも盲目的 な信仰や、一時的な薬にもなり得ると思った。
Drawing by Satoshi Dáte